Characteristics I choose in a date:
†††††† List what I think I need to stay safe
†††††† Define what I mean by available
†††††† Define what being sexual is to me
†††††† List what I want in a partner
†††††† What was I originally attracted to
†††††† What totally turned me off
†††††† First __ dates s/he does not come to my house.
†††††† Minimum notice of at least ___ days in advance for a date.
†††††† No French kissing on the first __ dates
†††††† No long lasting French kissing on the first __ dates
†††††† Date has start and stop time
†††††† No phone calls longer than __ minutes in length
†††††† No more than __ phone calls a week
†††††† No phone calls/chats that interfere with __
†††††† No breaking any prior commitments to accept a date
†††††† No light petting for __ months
†††††† No heavy petting for __ months
†††††† No revealing past history until the __ date
†††††† No more than __ dates a week for the first __ weeks
†††††† Meeting for coffee at a restaurant is not a date.
†††††† NEVER sex the first ___ days
†††††† NEVER sex without
††††††††††††††† 1. AIDs test
††††††††††††††† 2. Commitment of exclusion
3. Discussion about STD
4. Pregnancy protection
BOTTOM LINE BEHAVIORS
1. Activities that I either must do or be sure to avoid, in order to stop or
stay out of my addictive pattern.
2. Nonnegotiable boundaries I set for my own behaviors to achieve and maintain
ADDICTIVE CYCLE OR PATTERN:
Repeated behaviors that recur from one relationship to the next that create
disharmony, keep me trapped, stuck, unhappy or unhealthy. Usually there are
hints or ‘red flags’ that I am in an addictive pattern. Examples:
†††††† * Thinking that every boy/girl I date has the same defects
†††††† * Thinking that every date is a potential spouse
†††††† * Rushing relationships to keep them exciting
†††††† * Acting outside my values to keep a relationship going
†††††† * Needing to be in relationship all the time, rainchecking,
setting up a new relationship without closure on the one I am
currently in, etc
DISCOVERING YOUR ADDICTIVE CYCLE
How do you usually begin a new relationship? Make a list of your past several
relationships, and how you got involved.
What are the signs things are not going well?
What red flags do you tend to ignore or try to rationalize?
What makes you stay in an unhappy relationship?
What were the perks and payoffs in previous relationships?
How have your last several relationships ended?